Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Housework

Housework

Well It's a woman's job I am told! But this story has made me realise that I am not alone!

“One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'

God is good.”

Now all I need to do is to work out a way to transpose the principles of that story, the very elements and essences and the morals it contains, in to my life now. If you have any thoughts let me know.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Round! Ever Thought About Round?

My latest mad musing is that the origin of everything is round!

Or at least cyclical, cylindrical or circular! I mean, what are we if we are not molecules? Those marvellous things composed of atoms, each of which has a nucleus, which is usually described as round to oval with a smooth, thin nuclear membrane,– Now come on, have you ever seen a square atom?


Even Dr Who agrees with me and he’s the cleverest man in the universe –


Did you get that? “Time, it’s not what people think it is ……… it’s a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, stuff. Now what is a ball if it’s not round? And do we not watch things around the clock?

And speaking of the clock have you noticed how quickly time passes, and comes around again? Take this morning for example. Dave double decks or whomever, is playing that little round CD of that record I first heard 30 years ago and seems to be back in the charts (or is it the Hit Parade?) again – (see even music is cyclical).

Now I must confess, I am not really very technical, ask Nerm II! And to demonstrate this I can give you the example that I am not sure how to operate my alarm clock, and despite moaning in my mad Mizzie way, about Nermy II’s alarm clock with its 7 minute cycle, earlier in this blog, we do rely on it to get us up in the mornings. However, because I had trouble operating my old clock, he’s recently brought me a new alarm clock to encourage me to be more independent and to moan at him less about his alarm clock every morning.

This is a good thing!

Now this clock has less buttons than my old one, and they are clearly marked. On, Off, Snooze, etc. But the off button doesn’t seem to work. The ritual of the clock goes a bit like this, the thing begins to splurge out it’s chords of “They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'noh, noh, noh” or whatever, I perch on one elbow and squint to try and see which is the off button, prod what I believe to be the off button with my (round) finger and on she goes “I didn't get a lot in class, But I know it don't come in a shot glass…..” and I am wondering exactly why I am so blind these days not being able to see a flying fig without my specs, so I fumble around on the bedside table top to locate the darn things and slide them on to my nose and press again the off button but once more she continues “I don't ever wanna drink again, I just ooh, I just need a friend, I'm not gonna spend ten weeks, have everyone think I'm on the mend” and I am beginning to think Amy has a point and maybe, if I hadn’t had that extra glass of wine last night I might be able to see what I was doing a bit better and stop my bloody clock from howling at me and so eventually give up pressing the button that says off and hit the top of the clock with its half a dozen buttons, randomly and it shuts up – Hoorah!


Now this technique has been working perfectly well for a month. So when it went off this morning and I realise Nerm II is still snoring next to me, I leap out of bed telling him he’s a fool and it’s nearly eight o clock and he’s over slept – I trample over the amassed clutter in the P’s room to pull back her covers chuntering, your father has slept through the bloody clock again, we’re late! To hear him complaining, that his clock is an hour slow. “Idiot” I spit at him – “you are forever messing with stuff and mucking it up” and I climb in to my discarded clothes from the wee hours and make my way down stairs with him following me buttoning his shirt. As we hit the kitchen he looks at me with sheer disbelief, having just done a double take at the 24 hour clock which is blinking redly at him – “It’s a quarter past, f’kin seven,” he says incredulously! “You aren’t late you silly moo, you are an hour early.”

And so it would appear that whilst randomly hitting the top of my new alarm clock in my blind haze yesterday morning, I had inadvertently hit the time and the whatever button makes it a different time button, simultaneously and advanced the alarm clock an hour. Hoorah for time, which as the doctor says, “isn’t what people think it is”

Now then, sorry I digress - back to all things being round, well I have decided, if the origins of everything in the universe is round. And let’s face the nicest things are round – Belgian truffles, wine bottles and their contents, digestive biscuits, cake, to name but a few; well by implication, then surely, I can stop worrying about by heart attack belly, as I have come to fondly refer to it –

because is that not also round
? And so by implication, perfect too?

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Is Particle Collision Responsible for Me, My Madness and My Vacuum Cleaner?

Menopause is a terrible thing!


Oh yes!

I had great fun creating my first blog and felt very proud of myself, however I even let a couple of friends know I had created myself this space and was crowing quietly to myself so imagine my dismay when I realised I had actually registered for this service with an email address that simply doesn't exist - So how do you verify your account if you can't collect the emails sent to you? And what's more it seems blogger is designed to confound old ladies like me by having the equivalent of one of those telephone automated systems except in the cyber world this equates to a list of questions, to which I couldn't possibly know the answer! Do you use Ork or something? Huh? I thought they were creatures in Lord of the Rings?

Anyway, I have struggled through the form when all I really needed was a nice box in to which I could write -

Dear Mr or Mrs Blogger controller

I am so very sorry but I am quite menopausal at the moment and as a result have entered the wrong email address, which means I can't authenticate my email address and what's more I seem to have forgotten my password (which as you'll realise if you are still reading I have now remembered!) and I need you to either write to me at my proper email address or let me change it myself on the blog, if you'd be so kind

Yours very sincerely
Mizzie the Mad Meno Meanie

But oh no! I have to answer questions I don't know the answers too that don't seem to have any relevance to me about software applications that mean nothing all because I am menopausal and can't remember my own email address.

Is there any hope?

Add to that - I am still trying to appreciate exactly why I am so perturbed about the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER which they switched on a week a go and whilst rejoicing about the fact I have 't disappeared in to a man made black hole I have grave suspicions it's a bad idea to be doing what they are doing and to top the lot! My vacuum cleaner which is fairly new, cost £300 and is one of those marvellous bagless confections has stopped sucking - ever since I had Mr P the Mad Meno Meanie's Mate, 'service it' because it wasn't sucking as well as it used too last weekend. Now it's not sucking at all and I personally think it'll be something to do with the changed ionic particles smashing together under the Swiss French border as a result of them switching on that infernal particle collider.

Now before the email to the right email address has been recieved, I have had a lightbulb moment and remembered my password (which I probably knew all along but was putting in the wrong email address) and Mr or Mrs Blogger controller will think I am an imposter and quarantine my account or something

Oh but for a simple life!

Friday, 12 September 2008

And This Evening!

This is truly how I know Menopause is a reality for me!

My Menopausal Mantra of Today Is: If it seems mad to you, then it probably IS MAD! So breathe deeply and challenge the madness. You will be wrong, far less often than you are right!

Tonight is a night that I finish work (which I do from home) early, so I can take my daughter to a club she likes to go to. Normally I work until 5pm and so friends coming home for tea isn't an option but my wonderful employers, have agreed, so I can give my daughter the chance to do do normal childlike things that I can finish early on a Thursday because this is the usual night of a club she loves to go to - (yes I know I am lucky to have an amazingly flexible employer.) Club doesn't start until next week but this meant I could collect her from the place I'd had to cajole her out of bed to go to this morning: And bring her (boy) friend home for tea :-) 9 with a boyfriend - how cute is that?

Anyway, we live in a hovel, with 4 legged beasts, rescued from all sorts, and whilst we are perfectly clean it's small and humble so not a lot of place to play in. So I gave them the choice - McDonald's so long as I could go to the Park (via Sainsbury's) or vegeburgers at home!

Anyway, because they were together, they were as good as gold and I could shop - I didn't need much but I did comment to the shelf filler on the way round " are you kidding me? It's not yet the end of September and you have Christmas Stock on the shelves!" To which she replied " I know, it's mad isn't it" And some! So I am not the only one who thinks it's MAD to be displaying Christmas stock, before October - Nay before the end of September!

So I am at the checkout...........
Kidz have been really well behaved!
The question is asked .......... "M- uuuu-m..... can we have 20p each to go and get a gobstopper from the machine?" (so conveniently placed at the end of the tills!) And I realise in a panic, my coat is in the car - change is in coat pocket and I am paying by plastic but need 2 x 20p pieces to reward these two very well behaved children and I can see they sooooooooh are hoping I will say yes.

Oh dear I say, not sure I can because I don't have any change, let me see what I can do. When the lady opens the till, I will ask her to give my some change (for my emergency £5 note which I carry in the pack of my purse, so much do I want to reward these children.)

And so the till goes 'ping' and opens and I dare to ask.

"NO!"

expression of disbelief on my face after I have ask so nicely.

"We can't give change! We aren't allowed to"

my jaw drops slightly

"Sorry!"

but she looks as sorry as a less than sorry, sorry thing!

So I ask

"Are you telling me, that I have put my £70 plus shopping on this conveyeer belt, my children are feeling restless but have been very well behaved in the store, I have a £5 note in my hand, they have askd for sweets 'sold' from your dispenser the other side of the till, but you won't give me any change for them to buy those sweets?"

"Yes I am sorry" .. replies the clearly crazy woman on the till, " we aren't allowed to give change!"

By this time my mouth is open wide!

I then try to put it a different way...... " So you are saying to me, that you are willing for me to walk away from all this shopping on the conveeyer belt, and go to Tesco's up the road, where I know they will give me change, so I can reward my children for behaving well for me in your store?" Waving the £5 visibly

"I am sorry", comes the now feet dug in retort, "I have been told not to give change", (and I don't do normal or apply rational thought and I feel like being bloody minded right now, reply.)

"You are quite sure about that?" I ask

"Yes, I can't give you change", she sneers.

"Then would you be kind enough to call for a till supervisor?" I ask in my nicest of voices.

Thank goodness for a voice of reason! "Good heavens," she Say's gently to the checkout lady," this customer has shopping on the belt and cash in her hand, she's asking for change and it really is OK to give it in these circumstances."

They have a brief discussion where checkout lady tries to say she's in the right and then HURRAH gets told to give me some change.

Children are rewarded

I pack my shopping ( and I am so nice and chatty as I do s0)

And as I leave can't resist saying - " I appreciate that must have been irritating to you, but I am sick of living in a world where if no one challenges the ridiculousness we are greeted with every day, no one realises, that it's ridiculous, so nothing gets done about it!"

This brings me back to my My Menopausal Mantra of Today: If it seems mad to you, then it probably IS MAD! So breathe deeply and challenge the madness. You will be wrong, far less often than you are right! And if we don't challenge the madness, there is no hope!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

So What Was It That Prompted Me To Do This Right Now?

See told you it was menopause.



So What Was It That Prompted Me To Do This Right Now?

A number of things really but mostly the fact that I KNOW I am menopausal now because I have an opinion about EVERYTHING! Yes I know, many who know me would say I always have, the difference is, I used to be able to place my tongue beneath my teeth a little better than I can now.

I should have known really, that I would be a mouthy meno lady. I mean I have been hormonal one way or another for most of my life but heck knows ........ this latest phase takes the biscuit and you know what I don't even feel the need to make any apology.

So let me tell you about today. A fairly normal day in the land of Mizzie.

Nerm II (husband of almost 10 years) has a habit of setting his alarm clock, at least 20 minutes, usually half an hour, before he physically gets out of bed. So come on, I can't be the only one who finds this the most foul start to the day, surely?

To make matters worse, last night I actually went to bed 'tired' enough to sleep and slept the sleep of the dead!

Ask any menopausal woman how hard it is to sleep and if you think she slept, ask her if she feels rested? But this morning was one of those mornings. Room EXACTLY the right temperature, feeling like it was the most blissful sleep ever!

However, Nerm thinks it's a really cool idea to set his mobile phone alarm too. Today, this resulted in me being woken, annoyed, bothered, pestered and irritated every 7 minutes (why are some of these things pre-set to 7 minutes?) between 7.15 and 7.55 when I get up and then have to cajole, manipulate and sometimes irritate our gorgous, hormonally challenged daugther out of the door to arrive at her place of education on time, (thankfully only 5 minutes walk away from our front door.)

I still can't understand why, when I knew he was in a meeting at work, from 12.17 I called his mobile phone allowing the kitchen timer to ping down his mobile phone LOUDLY! And again 7 minutes later and 7 minutes after that.

My point being: It's very irritatiing being distrubed every 7 minutes for almost three quarters of an hour, when you feel what you are doing is important.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a new thing in our lives, its an on and off, ongoing issue and it'll be interesting to see what happens tomorrow.







What On Earth Am I Doing Here?

I NEED A DIARY

I need a public space!

I need a place to vent my spleen.

Somewhere to have a little fun and perhaps make others smile, just because they can identify with my musings. I
can't decide if I am mad or malicious or just down right menopausal, hence the title of my blog:

The Musings of Mizzie the Mad Meno Meanie!

You see, most of the time I am not a mad meanie at all but as I age and get older. As I get fatter and no longer could be described as fitter. As my dinner doesn't seem to digest the way it used too and other things seem to go outrageously over the edge, not least my opinions! Well, I thought I'd share them as I simply don't seem to be able to keep them to myself.

My thoughts are no longer my thoughts - they spill out of my mouth and sometimes, (but only ever afterward) do I find my self spluttering on what I just heard - Meno means it can take a moment or two for you to register that the reason everyone is standing around motionless with their mouths open is YOU

I don't imagine anyone will be in the least bit interested in what I have to say but I just thought I'd like to say it out loud - shout, be proud and maybe others out there will identify with my sentiments and feel just that little less alone.

Welcome to the world of Mizzie the Mad Meno Meanie